Baby Blues

Hey guys! It's been a minute. I know I said I was going to be better at this blogging, but life happens.

I don't even have time to blog right now because I should be writing my paper (SO CLOSE TO BEING DONE WITH MY MASTERS!!!)

This last month things have been crazy. I also feel like I have been super stressed and just kind of down. I also do not feel like I ever recovered from my postpartum depression after Charlie was born.

So here is a big rant about postpartum depression, baby blues, trauma, and maybe just an overall stressed out mom's voice needing to vent.

I've wrote about Charlie's birth before, but not about my feelings. So here we go.

Charlie was born almost a year ago. My labor story was crappy. My epidural sucked. It made my blood pressure bottom out. I had tunnel vision as soon as he finished and my blood pressure was dropping fast. Luckily my nurse was right there and bolused 3 liters of fluid to help bring it back up. The lowest it got was 70/40. I actually thought I was going to die. I pictured myself intubated, and a c-section being performed while I was out. I pictured my daughter never seeing me again. I tried to imagine if my family would be ok and how they would go on. All of those thoughts and anxiety hit me like a brick wall in a matter of seconds. But luckily the fluids helped and I stayed awake the whole time.

But because the epidural did that I wasn't able to use it, so by the time Charlie was ready to come out there was no more numbing. LIKE NONE.

He was a BIG boy at 8 pounds 10 ounces. He was also super wide in the shoulders and got stuck as he was coming out. Because he got stuck he ended up taking his first breath while he was still inside. When he came out he was blue, limp and not moving. Thankfully the baby catcher was an experienced NICU nurse (Heavenly Father was watching out for us). The doctor delayed chord clamping, even though Charlie was not moving. The nurse was vigorously stimulating him and trying to get him to cry. Nothing. Just silence. I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. I knew what was happening. I've seen this, I've been on the other side. I've helped resuscitate babies. But now I was helpless. I was at the mercy of the nurses and doctors (luckily I worked closely with the NICU doctor for the last year).

Charlie was intubated and after some deep sucitioning let out a pitiful cry but turned pink. I felt relief, but I knew the battle was won, but a war still needed to be fought.

He had umbilical lines (the artery one is dangerous because if it comes out a baby can bleed out and die in minutes). Because of those lines he wasn't allowed to be held. The first night I got to hold him because the nurse felt bad. I held him for an hour and it was the best. But then he had to be put back in his glass crib and I left to go pump.

8 long days were spent in the NICU. I cried everyday. I just wanted him home. I knew how lucky we were he didn't have any lasting neurological damage and that we only had to spend 8 days in the ICU.

Fast forward 2 weeks. Charlie is diagnosed with laryngomalcia. A chronic breathing disorder that was luckily super mild so it required some antiacid medication and waiting for him to grow.

Another week and Charlie went for his circumcision. Turns out he has hypospadius. Instantly I wonder if this came from when I had a CT scan during pregnancy because of the concern I had a blood clot. And then after the attempted circumcision he wouldn't stop bleeding. Apparently my blood thinners must be passing into the breast milk. We left an hour later with 3 stitches in his penis.

December required us to follow up with Children's Heart Center. The hole in his heart is small, but still there.

This kid could not catch a break.

In January he ended up back in the hospital with RSV.

A few months later Lucy ended up in the ER with labored breathing. The doctor informs me that there is a cyst on her lung.

We get back in the hospital about 2 months later for a nasty gastric bug. The doctor decides to order a chest x-ray to see if the cyst grew. NO MORE CYST (the work of Heavenly Father again).

Meanwhile I'm struggling with losing the weight I gained. I did lose 60 pounds but I still have 30 pounds I wanted to lose. I hated looking in the mirror. I wasn't happy with myself.

I have been been feeling depressed and anxious for 10 months. I've had panic attacks 1-3 times a week. Finally I seeked out help. I feel better since getting help even though I have some stuff to work on.

Luckily I have a beautiful family that is patient and supportive, friends that are amazing & a strong testimony.

We do fun activities as a family and spend more time together more than ever (I love working as a school nurse).

Well that's the end of my rant. Every time someone asks me when I'm going to have another kid all I think about is those feelings of almost dying and picturing my kids having to grow up without their mother. Needless to say shop is closed.

I hope that anyone who has postpartum depression seeks out help sooner than I did. Mothers often try to do everything on their own. This is why women die from heart attacks more often then men, we are less likely to seek help in a timely manner. I did not want to be seen as weak. But getting help is not weak. It takes strength to acknowledge you can't do everything alone.

HIIT me baby one more time

Charlie is almost 9 months old and I have finally lost all the weight I gained with him during pregnancy.

Here's a little backstory. When I was pregnant with my daughter I gained about 70 pounds. It was miserable. Everything hurt and I was so swollen. After I gave birth I lost about 20 pounds instantly. Then I started working hard and lost almost another 20. I had about 30 pounds left to go and a floppy stomach still. But then my daughter turned one and on her first birthday I was pregnant again!

I was so happy because I knew there was another baby ready to be born. But I hadn't lost all my baby weight with Lucy and there was no way I was going to lose 30 pounds while pregnant. I actually ended up gaining about 55 pounds. So that is 85 pounds up from my original starting weight.

That's a picture from my baby shower. I was so big and swollen. I had a horrible pregnancy with him and I was just so uncomfortable.

I had a rough delivery and then the stress of him being in the NICU did not help me lose weight like I did with my daughter. I only lost about 12 pounds after giving birth immediately. Which isn't much considering he weight 8 pounds 10 oz. 

Once we got him home and started to settle in I went to the gym again. I started off with light walking and bike riding. It was good to be back at the gym. I loved working out and had been very dedicated to working out before, during and after my first pregnancy. With all the complications I had during my second pregnancy I barely went. I lost almost all my muscle tone and it was just miserable.

Fast forward and I am now down 56 pounds. I have about 30-35 more pounds before I hit my goal weight. I hit a plateau for a little bit and ended up doing a crossfit challenge. It was so much fun! I did not lose the weight but I learned how strong I was. I took this knowledge and I applied it to my own workouts I do in the gym. 

However crossfit was not providing me enough cardio. I have done HIIT (high intensity interval training) for cardio for years. I decided to start combining that with some fasted cardio and I have been able to lose weight quickly with that.

I track my HIIT training by using my polar H10 heart rate monitor. It is Bluetooth compatible and allows me to track my heart rate on my phone & apple watch using the app Polar Beat. When I see those hills on the heart rate monitor I know my HIIT training is effective.

Of course doing HIIT training isn't for everyone, you should always talk to your doctor before starting an intense physical activity. 

I also realized how important it is for me to drink a protein shake. I get sick if I eat too much after I workout but I need to eat something and feed my body. I drink a Shakeology protein shake. I ended up trying it because it was plant based protein (I am technically lactose intolerant so the whey shakes rip my stomach up) & I knew a few people who used it and really liked the flavor. I am probably the most picky eater in the world but this protein is yummy with just plain water. Adding peanut butter or yogurt and fruit make it feel like a treat (which I LOVE). 

If you are interested in ordering Shakeology protein I can help! I signed up to become a coach just to get the protein powder at whole sale price. It was totally worth it. 

I plan on sharing more of my workouts with you all because I think it is nice to see REAL people in the gym and sharing tips and tricks that work for me! Maybe some will help someone else and that to me is worth it!

Here is the link to buy the Polar Heart Rate Monitor I use.

Also if you are interested in Shakeology just use the "get in contact with me" box on the right hand side & we will chat about getting you the whole sale price without the monthly bill (YAY saving money!)

Hello again

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Actually the last time I blogged was when Lucy was about 10 days old. Life got kind of crazy figuring out how to parent and be in charge of another life. Then I found out I was pregnant on Lucy’s first birthday. We welcomed baby brother Charles Blaine on September 2, 2017. After that I have been battling a rough case of postpartum depression. 

I can’t even begin to tell you why. Because honestly I have no idea why. I just felt so bad about myself. I gained weight. I wasn’t losing the weight quickly. I hated how I looked. My baby wasn’t sleeping (he still hasn’t got the memo that sleeping through the night is a good thing). But my depression has gotten significantly better. I’m starting to feel back to myself more and more. 

I wanted to blog again because I think it’s a good way to express how I feel and maybe if one person reads it and feels better then it was totally worth it! 

I’ve totally redone by blog and split up some categories that I want to include. My blog is supposed to be about having a healthy mind, body and soul. 

A healthy body includes things that I do to keep my body healthy. I am working on getting my body back to where it was before I had the babies. Or at least somewhere that I am happy with (hopefully more muscle and less jiggle, but some jiggle because donuts).

My family section will be all about my cute little family. Tyler & I have been married almost 6 years. He is the most supportive husband, and the best partner I could ever ask for. Lucy is almost 2 & a half years old. She is my spitfire, wild child. She is a free spirit with all the sass of a super toddler. Charlie is 8 months old. He is a sweet, cuddle monster. He also doesn't love sleep as much as Lucy so it makes me a little (lot) tired. Hopefully you will find as much joy and laughter in them that I do.

  

I included a fashion and make up section for fun! I am not by any means a beauty blogger or a fashionista. But I am a mom, and I have SOME sense of style. I am also about comfort and realistic clothing & make-up. I am not throwing on my red bottom shoes for a trip to Walmart to get baby food and formula. But being comfy can still be cute!

The lifestyle section is kind of where I'll just put everything else. I am super into taking pictures of the kids & things we do. I love photography. I also love drawing and doing crafts (I'm currently trying to convince my husband we NEEEEED a cricut... almost there).

Take a look around! If you are interested in keeping up feel free to subscribe!

Welcome Lucy Kay

It's been 9 days since I've given birth to my sweet baby girl. I feel like she's always been part of our life, I can't even remember what it was like before her. I wanted to share my labor story as well as the first week experience.

Lets start with Sunday! I was supposed to be induced at 10 pm on Sunday night, it was about 9 when I got a call from Mountain-View saying they have to push my induction back because they didn't have a room. Normally that wouldn't be such a big deal but I am on blood thinners so my injections are timed around when I was going to be induced so I could get an epidural. We waited ALL night. I finally called and was told I could come in at 9 AM on Monday. So by the time I got all hooked up and labs done, plus monitoring the baby I was able to start pitocin at 11.

The nurse was able to increase the pit every half hour. She didn't check me again until around 2 pm. My cervix dilated from a 2 to a 3 and I was effaced about 70%. With the way this was going it looked like I wasn't going to have this baby until WAY late that night. Around 4 pm she came in again to check and they decided to break my water. The doctor came in around 5 PM and gave me my epidural first. Lucy did not tolerate it well so I had to stay on my left side (meaning I could feel everything on my right side but nothing on my left). Then the other doctor came in and broke my water, I was dilated to about a 4 only but I was 100% effaced!

About 30 minutes later I got this insane NEED to push. I felt like she was right there. We called the nurse in and she checked. Sure enough Lucy was right there and I had to hold off on pushing until the doctor got there. The nurse had me do 2 practice pushes to get her head a little lower.

Like 20 minutes later the doctor showed up. It was time to push. 2 sets of pushes later and Lucy was OUT.

She was born at 6:28 PM on Monday, December 28th. She was 8 pounds & 20 inches exactly.

I have never seen such a beautiful baby, and she was mine! Tyler & I couldn't be more proud.

The first couple of days were rough. She was constantly hungry!! I wasn't making enough milk to satisfy her, but the nurses said it was ok to keep feeding her that way. Well it wasn't enough because she got a little jaundiced and we had to stay one more night in the hospital. We started supplementing with formula so help get her to poop out the bill until my milk came in.

Well Lucy is a REALLY good eater, I mean REALLY good. She has a strong suck. It made breast feeding horrible. I realized I might not be able to do this because I didn't want to be in so much pain. I know this is really horrible to say, but I hated being in so much pain when it should really be enjoyable. A few days later my milk started to come in, breast feeding still hurt but I could pump. So I pumped a lot, A LOT. It started to get really exhausting to pump all the time. So finally I tried going back to breast. She is doing much better and isn't hurting me as much. 

I felt like a failure for not wanting to breastfeed. It was a terrible feeling. I shouldn't have felt this way because as long as I am providing nutrition for my baby and taking good care of her there is nothing to be ashamed about. So here's hoping that in 2016 people will be less judgmental and more supportive of each others choices.

We also got Lucy's newborn photos done! They turned out AMAZING. My friend Amanda took them and was able to get them back to us that same day!! I highly recommend her if you ever need any kind of photos done.